Happy Narcissistic Mother's Day - Contact Vs. No Contact

Mother's Day is an opportunity to show appreciation for all the things mothers do for their children. Whether it be treating them to a meal, buying them a purse, or snagging a "#1 Mom" card, there are endless ways for children to give part of their hearts back to their moms on their special day. But some mothers never fulfill their roles. Sometimes, mothers take more than they give to their children. As mother's day grows closer, people who have suffered at the hands of their narcissistic mothers may struggle over how they should celebrate those days.

Society overwhelmingly pressures people to give back and show gratitude to their mothers on this holiday. In her article "When Mother's Day Hurts," Karyl McBride Ph.D. says, "everything our culture holds to be true about mothering - that mother love is instinctual, automatic, and unconditional, and that all women have the capacity to empathize and nurture - shackles an unloved child's spirit and helps to keep him or her floundering in self-doubt." Not every woman is ready or right for the role of mother. Not every child gets the love and support they so deserve.

When being in contact with an abusive parent is no longer healthy for an individual, they should not feel obligated to put their own happiness on the line. McBride states wisely, "staying in denial ... when Mother's Day hurts is not necessarily healthy." If a child has a narcissistic mother with whom they have a major disconnect with, they may not reach out to them on Mother's or Father's Day, or any day. As a result, they may feel overwhelmed by the idea of being a "bad daughter" or "bad son." However, it all depends on what is best for the individual. When trying to decide whether to go no contact or not, there are hard questions one has to ask oneself. These questions include:

• Have you experienced one or more of the five primary childhood wounds at the hands of your narcissistic mother/parent? (physical abuse, sexual abuse, verbal abuse, neglect/abandonment, and/or smothering)

• Do you continuously blame yourself for the things you experienced and the consequent feelings?

• Do you feel the sole responsibility falls on you to maintain a relationship with your mother/parent?

• Do you feel like you are still trying to get your mother to love and support you?

• Is this relationship unhealthy for you?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, you may want to consider serious psychological intervention regarding this relationship or even going no contact with your parent. Going no contact is not easy for anyone, and the decision will inevitably come with many emotional twists and turns. In Peg Streep's article "Toxic Mom? Going No Contact? 5 Things You Must Realize," she outlines the struggles that come with making this tough decision.

In the beginning, it may feel like you are losing more than the benefits would be worth, you may second guess yourself, and you might experience deep conflict. Through all of this, she says you must take care of yourself first and "focus on mourning both the death of your hopefulness that things could be resolved and the mother you deserved and never got." Wishful thinking can take over and cloud the mind. It can trick you into going around and around in a never ending cycle of trying to earn the motherly love you inherently deserve. Instead, you can make the choice to love yourself.

From a Mind Map Perspective:

If you are suffering from childhood wounds such as physical abuse, verbal abuse, sexual abuse, neglect/abandonment, and/or smothering inflicted upon you by a narcissistic mother, you need to look introspectively on what exactly you experienced. After examining your pain, the Mind Map System will help you identify experiences that encoded into your belief system about yourself and the world, and how you created defense mechanisms to protect and or fill the emotional void left by the mother you never emotionally had. Narcissistic defense mechanisms include a sense of entitlement, and an "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em" attitude, intolerance to being mediocre, a superiority complex that causes one to demean, devalue, destroy and discard others, and other detrimental behaviors.

In order to paradigm shift into a healthy lifestyle, take therapeutic action to repair the mother-child wounds you are left with. If parents are amenable to treatment, this would be an opportunity to repair the mother-child disconnect directly. Not all parents are willing participants for this process, and their participation is not necessary for healing to occur. At the end of the day, going no contact or light contact is a personal decision that is based on respecting yourself.