In-Laws: Issues and Boundaries

Marriage is a beautiful thing. It means accepting someone fully and totally. It is declaring someone who was once a stranger your family. Along with that new declaration of family comes the inevitable: accepting your new in-laws. Every in-law is different. Some may be incredibly sweet, happily fulfilling their role as your new parent. But it is widely lamented that most of the time, this is not the case. This transition often comes with friction, disagreements, and hurt feelings. While you may not get along with your in-laws, it is, in most cases, important for your marriage to put effort into establishing a peaceful relationship with your in-laws.

You Are Not Alone

Sometimes it may feel like you've been dealt a unique punishment from hell when the wrath of the parent-in-law rains down on you. The truth is, you're not alone. It is incredibly common for newlyweds to go through similar struggles. According to Cambridge University psychologist Terri Apter, three out of four couples experience significant conflict with their in-laws and more than 60 percent of married women experience sustained stress because of their mothers-in-law-compared to just 15 percent of men. Think about that. The amount of people who actually get along with their in-laws is a minority. Especially when it comes to the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law relationship.

Why Do We Clash?

Everyone has their own opinions. When it comes to parents, they usually have strong opinions on what is best for their child. Some parents feel the need to push their ideas of right and wrong even when their child has moved on to create their own family. They need everything done their way: who their child marries, how the wedding goes, how the couple should spend their money, even how the couple should raise their children. These types of parents come from broken family systems where they come to rely heavily on their child instead of their partner. Overly invested in what their child is doing at all times, parent-in-laws deny the couple of the autonomy they need and problems arise. According to Yvonne K. Fulbright Ph.D.,  "the most typical complaint DILs have of their MILs is that they are overbearing, pushy, and disrespectful of boundaries. Other reasons for unpleasant relations between parents-in-law and a daughter-in-law (or son-in-law, for that matter) include:

• Pressure to have children - the number-one source of tension between a woman and her in-laws.
• Older relatives trying to maintain their authoritative role in a household.
• A know-it-all and/or take-charge MIL.
• A parent's belief that no one is good enough for their son or daughter.
• Conflicting ideas over how to raise children.
• Personality clashes.
• Money lending.
• Pressure to conform to religious or cultural norms.
• A parent trying to drive a wedge into a marital relationship."

Signs and Solutions

In order to healthily sort through your in-law issues and solve them, here's what you need to think about:

• Take what your in-law says with a grain of salt
• When an in-law's will takes over your life, it is time for a change
• You don't need to be forced to do something you don't want to do
• Your kids are your kids, and you deserve to be the one who sets rules for their care, not their grandparent/s
• Behavior becomes normalized in different family cultures, so be understanding of your partner's relationship with his or her parent
• Your partner is not their parent
• There must be open communication between you and your partner and you need to establish a form of open communication with your in-laws, whether it be direct or through your partner
• Be open and honest about what needs to change and the boundaries that need to be set before it is too late and enforce them
• Just like a relationship takes commitment and effort to work through kinks, so does your relationship with your in-laws
• If your parent-in-law refuses to budge, it may be time to go light-contact or no-contact.

From A Mind Map Perspective

When you enter into married life and embark on creating a new family with your partner, they become the primary relationship in your life. In order to build a stable family system on which children can safely rely, both partners need to put their spouse first. And that means putting relationships with parents in the back seat. After marriage, the previous family dynamics change drastically, and for some parents, that change is difficult to accept. In an unstable family system where there is not a strong bond between the parents, the parent/s can sometimes latch onto their child, unhealthily relying on them for the support they need.  When that child gets married, the relative Disconnect can be scary for them. This leads to unhealthy intrusion into private decisions, hurt feelings and Breakdowns.

If your parent-in-law is infringing on your and your partner's happiness, an intervention is necessary. You and your partner need to express your feelings about the situation through Peaceful Healing Dialogue and establish boundaries in order to Paradigm Shift into happy coexistence. Communication is key, and it may be wise for your partner to communicate with his or her parent as a middle man. Compromise where you can, but don't settle if you know in your heart you cannot put up with certain things. Healing comes from cooperation on all sides.